#damn
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I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Growing out my freckles.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music