*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
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[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Me in tagged photos
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
this has to be peak English
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING