Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
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Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.