My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
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Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway