Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
You Might Also Like
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
You can’t outrun your problems…
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
When you don’t understand how floors work
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
fair
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Not today
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.