Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
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My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
The happy life.. 😊
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Geez man, take it easy.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Britain be like
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …