a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
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Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids