Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
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People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
it was a valiant fight
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.