Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
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You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
What a chick magnet..
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie