The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
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Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
My birthstone is kidney
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
greetings!
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated