Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
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A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
tinder is all about the long game
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.