Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
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My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
As the Lord intended
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
every. time.