I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
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I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
This is me
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.