The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
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So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.