Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
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sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.