me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
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Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.