Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
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Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
is it earth
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.