70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
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Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
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Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
are there any atheist mantises?
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
A woman drives into a bar.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do