[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
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If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Rt to bother an English speaker
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Found the job I’m suited for
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!