You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*