teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
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*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Lmfaoooooo
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.