Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
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[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.