If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
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This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I’m already scared
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
monday
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.