“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
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“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Okey dokey.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….