I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
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customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button