Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
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Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
This checks out
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.