Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
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You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I love you…
…r dog.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere