“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
You Might Also Like
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
why am I working on Labor Day