amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
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Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”