for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
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I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no