Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
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Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
the rocks need my help
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him