Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
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My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
do what now??
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.