I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
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I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
584.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?