Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
You Might Also Like
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776