[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
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If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.