Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
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I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Chemical wingman
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.