[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
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The Backseat Boys
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”