“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
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Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Sending in my taxes