You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
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Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Damn what did I do next
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I can’t stop laughing at this
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Art by Pastelkatto
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Knock Knock
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.