“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
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doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…