can’t believe I got front row seats
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promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia