Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
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It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?