tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
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[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
those birds must be on payroll
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.