Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
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Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.