5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
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What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
These are too funny not to post 😂
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.