Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
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What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
San Francisco has too many rules
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.