Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
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people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.