8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
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I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
found this cool rock hiking today
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.