GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
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*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!