Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
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Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
#oldknees
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.